Here I am with only 3 weeks and 5 days to go and I am starting to have second thoughts about having a c-section. My last three were very successful vbacs. I was reading some information last night on c-sections and I didn’t know that I couldn’t pick up anything besides the baby for the first 6 weeks. How am I going to manage my family?? Bryan will only be home for the first week after I get home from the hospital and then I will be completely on my own. Now that the time is getting closer I feel the need to dig deep in prayer and thought and figure out what exactly would be the best thing to do. I could always just attempt another vbac and then if it isn’t successful go ahead and have the c-section. The reason why we decided a c-section this time is that it just felt right. “B” prayed about it and also came to that conclusion. I haven’t received a direct answer yet but I have not really asked that question. I guess I am just really scared. I am going to be a mom of 5 children. How can I expect to do all that I am required to do if I am recovering from major surgery?? It’s probably just because the time is getting so close that all my fears are setting in. Is it normal to be scared to have my 5th child?? I’ve never been this nervous before any birth besides my first. Yesterday was just an emotional day as I was thinking about all of this.

I am trying to think of something to write because so many things have happened but my mind is a blank. I have 4 weeks to go until I deliver our new baby boy. Today I folded and put away all the baby clothes. They are all organized in their rightful containers and look so perfect. I have everything ready for when he arrives. I have the diapers, wipes, nursing pads, rubbing alcohol, nose thingy, etc. The only thing I will need when the baby gets here is food. It’s funny because we just got a brand new freezer and it has about a week’s worth of dinners for us but I am not motivated to fill it more. I was yesterday but today has just felt overwhelming.

Tonight I was just having an emotional moment where I was crying for no reason (hormones). My little 4 year old “A” came up to me and just started rubbing my back saying “I love you mommy. You are the bestest mommy in the entire world. I like the cards you make. We just HAVE to have cards, you know”. Well, after that I couldn’t even cry, I just had to smile. He is going to make the best husband some day. He might drive me batty during the day because he has soo much energy but it is times like these that I know he has his sweet side, too. I am so grateful for my family. It’s just so hard being pregnant in the last phase. I just look around my house and see so many projects that I want to do but I know that I “can’t” do them. It’s so hard for me to get on all fours to pick up stuff so I just have to let it sit there which drives me crazy. I know in the end it is not going to matter. I also hear women with grown children say how they miss the mess. I guess I can’t really see that yet because the kids leave messes EVERYWHERE!!

For Young Womens tonight the Miamaids & Beehives did a Yoga tape. I made smoothies for everyone which was a HUGE success. I made enough so we could also share with the Young Men and other leaders. I am so glad that all my batches turned out good. Sometimes they don’t work out as well.

Last night “B” took a friend to the Gladys Night presentation that our church was holding at our Stake Center so I was to myself and my deep thoughts. After the kids were in bed I sat in my office making cards for people and listening to General Conference of April 2005. It seemed like every talk was written just for me. I learned many things but it seems like I forgot a lot this morning. I wish I would have taken notes last night. One talk that really hit me was about being kind. I made a decision that I was not going to raise my voice to my children or get angry at silly little things. Even if someone does me wrong, or if the check-out person at the store is grumpy, why should I let that effect how “I” treat others?? This morning I did not get upset or grouchy with my girls once while they were getting ready for school. That is a really hard task especially since my 6 yr old does many things that would make anyone’s blood rise. I just talked to her calmly and asked her to do the things she was supposed to be doing. It is amazing that she didn’t get sassy with me once!! We usually have a major struggle each and every morning. It is all about how I react because she just reflects my mood. Listening to these spiritual talks from Apostles of the Lord made me just really think. I need to change NOW! I know it is so hard to do this while I am pregnant but I am sure going to try. I’m not going to give up and give in to my negative thoughts and attitudes. I am going to be the “kind” of personal I want to be. I am going to stop comparing myself to others. When I finally went to bed last night I turned to my scriptures and it is amazing that the passage I was reading just reinforced what the talks all said.

I hope that all made sense. I am really tired this morning so it might just seem like ramblings. Guess what?? I am determined to get all my laundry done today!! Do you think I can do it??? My family would be in shock! It’s just so hard to carry those heavy baskets and walk up and down the stairs. BUT, I can do it! The pioneers had to endure so much more than doing laundry when they were pregnant!

It has been two months since I officially resigned from Stampin’ Up! What a fun ride I had while I was on it. I do miss a lot of things about being a demo but I am also enjoying just stamping for fun. Today, while I was finishing up my 59 sets of gift sets for Christmas, I looked around my Stamp Loft and was so grateful that I earned most of the product by being a demonstrator. I cannot even imagine what life would have been like if I never got to experience the business side of things. I learned that I can do anything I put my mind to. I started off at the bottom of the SU totem pole as a hobby demo and by the end of my first full year I had made it a success. Not only that but we moved 2 times during my years at the top and I was able to prove to myself that I could continue to be successful. I am very happy with my decision to retire but I am also so glad that I had the opportunity that I did. I made many friends along the way and got to know the ins and outs with Stampin’ Up! as I worked on the Advisory Board for a year. I just want to log this all down in case I forget all about it in a year or two. My family really has needed me at home for the past two years while I finished out my business helping my downline out. Now that I am free of all strings with SU life is different. I find that I am not as stressed out or have that feeling of guilt that I had so often when thinking of my large group and all that I “needed” to be doing. I feel so blessed that my SU family “downline” understood my decision and was very supportive. I have formed relationships that I will have for a lifetime!

That is all I wanted to share about that.