This morning I woke up happy. My girls were feeling better and were going to go back to school after having 2 sick days. I said my prayers and even read part of an article from the Ensign (a monthly magazine put out by our church that has uplifting stories and articles.) I was feeling great!! I got my girls up and of course they were both complaining that they didn’t want to go to school. I wasn’t going to let it bother me. I cheerfully helped them along the way UNTIL I had to finish some reading homework with M. She just plain did not want to do it. So, I told her I would not sign it unless she did. It would make me a liar if I put that she read when she didn’t. It turned into a major struggle and I lost………. MY TEMPER!! How can this happen everytime I am trying to do the right thing?? We both ended up crying. She was crying because I raised my voice and was pretty bold with her. I was crying because I did not want this to happen. I want to be the loving mommy that my kids remember when they are older. The kind they want to be like, not the monster I was this morning! After M and I had worked everything out I was still a little upset. So I was slouched over on the couch with my head in my hands, shedding a few more tears. That is when my 8 year old daughter, Katelyn, came up to me and started rubbing my back. She said something so profound …. “Mom, it’s going to be okay. We aren’t perfect.” She understood my feelings of wanting to be the best mom and how I was so disappointed when I didn’t achieve that. I got the kids off to the bus stop and then I came home and said a prayer. I just need strength right now. I know that people think that having the baby and the toddlers is hard but honestly my challenge is with the older girls. Are they turning out okay? Do they know how much they are valued and loved? Our oldest daughter is having a little struggle at school with a certain friend. I hope she always knows that “she is a daughter of her Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him.” I want my children to have strong self worth and not feel the way I felt as a child. Sometimes it was just a hopeless feeling. Especially the older I got and the struggles I went through. I did not have the backbone of “faith”. I hope my children know how much they are loved because even when we have our struggles it is out of love.
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